Opinion: The View from Venus - part 4

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There are five words guaranteed to have me hurling my iPad at the wall.

Username or Password Not Recognised.

Hotly contested by Place Item in Bagging Area, these words must surely see normal people like me (playing fast and free with the word normal here) up and down the country completely lose it and retreat to their beds, one eye twitching.

I long for a simpler time when we didn’t spend our days shouting at machinery. I miss bank queues. I miss writing cheques. I miss booking a holiday on a little cardboard form.

This week, due to the sinister sounding Heartbleed Bug, we are being urged to change all our online passwords due to a major security flaw that is all a bit techy for me to fully understand.

This would be OK if I could actually remember any of my original passwords.

And it would also be ok if it was just the bank and my email account. These day you cannot buy a pint a milk without having a password.

We have passwords for our food shop, bank, work, buying tickets, watching TV, to pay our car tax, to do our tax return, to pay our children’s school dinner money. It’s EXHAUSTING.

I know it’s a huge digital faux pas to have the same password for everything as it makes you vulnerable to Mr Hacker.

But the time it takes searching all over for where you may have possibly scribbled down a password, we could have gone all retro and actually gone round Sainsbury’s ourselves rather than allowing our digital fairies to buy our loo roll for us.

Surely the way forward is to implant some kind of barcode into us and just scan us through an app? Clearly I jest.

Tips to ensure Mr Hacker does not takeover our lives include not using the names of your children or pet.

Epic fail. The names of my children are just about all I can remember at the end of the day. And sometimes not even then.

Also apparently recommended: not having any dictionary-recognised words; mixing an unusual number of letters and numbers; have a different password for everything.

And never write them down. Store them in the password vault app in your phone.

I’ve checked that out. You need a password to get into it.

Twitter: @WakefieldVenus