Teen blood pressure soars

In this lust-dripping, emotional romp of a supernatural thriller, newly-wed vampire couple Edward and Bella Cullen prepare to tackle their most challenging battle to date – the first year of marriage.

Like each of the three films before it, along with the books, Breaking Dawn Part One owes its success to every teenage girl’s fantasy of popularity, sexual desirability and soul-consuming love.

Bella (Kristen Stewart) has played her role concisely for two years as the irresistible human entree of Edward Cullen’s eye (Robert Pattinson), but now their love, having overcome many typical obstacles, has resulted in marriage, where this film begins.

The wedding itself – which frustrated Twilighters have been waiting for as though it was their own – doesn’t disappoint and makes the Middleton sisters look like they turned up to a big fat gypsy wedding earlier this year.

It fails on no account to make every girl’s wedding dream explode with new preposterous fantasies – complete with perfect family relationships and farewells, a dress which impossibly succeeds in saying saint and sinner, and a kiss which really pushes the 12A certificate’s credibility.

After three films and hundreds of pages of conversational foreplay, Edward and Bella go on their honeymoon, which, despite resulting in the conception of their demon spawn, is really quite humorous and quenches the audience’s thirst to see the duo finally act like a normal hormone-driven teenage couple.

The film’s pace keeps momentum and the cascading quarrels between werewolves and vampires, vampires and humans, and actors and wigs, keep the movie entertaining.

At the end of the day, and I will be brave enough to say it, having already fallen for the newly set, unrealistic expectations of first love (complete with beautiful boyfriend, impenetrable purity and total devotion), I will still be out under the mistletoe this Christmas with my jugular on full display.